Losing a Friend

    There is this awful grief that I've been carrying around...it's heavy and ugly and burdensome. I lost my best friend, my person, the one I turned to when I struggle. She didn't die...but our friendship did. There is no repair for what happened, there's no amount of time that will pass that will fix this. No bandaid to make things better. The realization of that part of it was hard to accept. Her not being a part of my life was something I never thought I'd have to deal with. I've never grieved the loss of someone who is alive and well. It's completely foreign. And I didn't just lose HER out of this, but her family as well. People who I loved and cared for...gone right along with her.

    They say ( I don't know who THEY are...) there are seven stages to grief.
 
    The first is shock or disbelief. I've definitely been through this stage. This is the part where you're constantly asking yourself, "Is this real? This is my life? Are you serious?!?"

    Then comes denial. How could she possibly do this to me...I thought we were friends. I thought we were best friends. People who claim they love you don't hurt you like this...this cannot be real. 

    Bargaining. I don't know that I really went through this stage...the betrayal was so fierce that I knew there was no bargaining that could save things.

    Guilt is next. What could I have done different? Was this preventable?

    Then the anger hits. I didn't think I had it in me to be angry. I was so over taken by the other feelings, I wasn't sure I had anger in me. Until I did. And then I couldn't turn it off. That's when I realized what was really going on and I knew there was no turning back from this. No fixing this. I had lost my friend, forever.

    The sixth stage is depression. I feel like I've been fighting with this emotion through the entire process...not in this order for sure. And I'm still struggling with this even now.

    And finally, acceptance. I've gotten to this point. Though I still feel like I've got all the other stages along with it and can feel any one of them at any point during the day. It all hits like waves. I can go from crying to angry so quickly. My poor husband has had his hands full. But back to acceptance... I've accepted that this is friendship is over, I've accepted the pain. I've accepted that there is no coming back from this.

    I miss my friend. But looking back, I can see that this was really a one sided friendship to begin with. I gave so much of me and didn't get a lot back. That's not ever why you give in the first place. And that's who I am anyways...a giver, a helper, a friend. I can't lose sight on that and I can't let this experience sour me from friendships in the future. This experience has made me question a lot of my friendships, it's made me question a lot of things. I know I'll be hesitant to make friends for a while, and I really think that's okay, so long as I don't shy away from making friends forever...