Just One Grain

Whoa - over two years since I've posted anything...and what a whirlwind it's been...mother in law moved in with us, bought a house, and changed jobs! It's been a busy, busy, busy season of life. I can't say that I will keep up with regularly posting, but I'd like to say I'll try to post more often. I'm not sure that I have "good content" to share, but I still feel like this is a good place to dump my brain every now and then...we'll see what happens :)

Have you even been just tired. Like more than sleepy tired. More than, "I've been working weeks on end of over time" tired...but like soul tired? I keep asking myself, what did I do to deserve any of this mess that seems to surround me? I try so hard to be a good person. I believe in karma. I believe in paying it forward. I believe and practice in random acts of kindness. I try to practice building people up, and avoiding bringing people down. And yet, here I am. Easily at the lowest point in my life that I've ever been in. I'm so tired of people telling me that I'll come out of this season okay. That there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That God must be trying me because there is something so much better at the end. I can't see the end, I can't see the prize and I sure as hell don't feel fine. I'm just wholly tired. Soul tired. I'm tired of not sleeping, pretending to be okay and losing my mind...I just want a break.

I was hoping to come here and post more often... In an effort to get things off my chest...to make myself feel better... But then I come here, and stare at the blank page and that damned blinking cursor. I can't seem to find the words to type....the titles of what to post. Anything. I can't seem to find anything. The struggle is real.

    There is this awful grief that I've been carrying around...it's heavy and ugly and burdensome. I lost my best friend, my person, the one I turned to when I struggle. She didn't die...but our friendship did. There is no repair for what happened, there's no amount of time that will pass that will fix this. No bandaid to make things better. The realization of that part of it was hard to accept. Her not being a part of my life was something I never thought I'd have to deal with. I've never grieved the loss of someone who is alive and well. It's completely foreign. And I didn't just lose HER out of this, but her family as well. People who I loved and cared for...gone right along with her.     They say ( I don't know who THEY are...) there are seven stages to grief.       The first is shock or disbelief. I've definitely been through this stage. This is the part where you're constantly asking yourself, "Is this real? This is my life? A...

It's been so long since I posted anything...I don't even know where to start. Life is crazy, hectic, upside down for me right now. I'm hoping to start blogging again for ME. To help me get things out of my brain and down onto the screen? ( I wanted to say on to paper...but that doesn't work here...) Maybe getting things out will help me to process. I don't feel like I'm ready...but this tiny post is a step in the right direction.

I don't know what my issue has been lately. I feel like maybe I could just write everything and everyone off and just run away. It's just something I can't shake. I get so, so tired of pasting a smile on my face and pretending everything is okay. It's not. One thing I know for sure is that the wrong thing to do is run away. I'm tired of being the only responsible person in my family. I feel like I'm constantly parenting my parents and my siblings. I'm tired of being the only one who tries in these relationships. I'm frustrated because I feel like every one has this expectation of me, that I'm supposed to be the one who cleans every thing up. I'm tired of picking up everyone else's pieces. I'm tired of putting everyone before myself. My relationship with my mom, my brother and my sister has failed. That's damn hard to accept. It's even harder not to run to their rescue as they're failing. I have two options in this situation....